i survived the big goodbyes! and i didn’t even cry, not one tear. this past week j and i drove to vermont to spend some time with my side of the family and say our farewells before our big move to china.
the idea of such a long goodbye has plagued me since we received our official invitations to the peace corps. will i see my grandfathers again? will my parents take good care of themselves? will my siblings be happy and continue to build awesome lives?
so far, the peace corps (which i haven’t even entered into yet, let’s just get that straight…) is about control. lack thereof. i can’t control my parents welfare, my siblings happiness. i can’t do that, whether i’m five feet or five thousand miles away. whether i’m sitting next to my mom on the couch or writing her an email from overseas, she’s going to be who she is just as i’ll be who i am. and i have to let myself be okay with that.
i’ve been living away from my family for about a decade now, but i’ve never really let myself settle—always i feel as though i’m holding my breath. and now it’s time to breathe out.
all the goodbyes i’d been dreading, with their tight hugs and plastered smiles, weren’t half as bad as i envisioned. i thought i’d be a well of tears, a fountain of inconsolable grief.
but something inside me said “SARAH RUTH, CUT THE CRAP.” so i did. i cut it! i’ll miss my family terribly but i need to embrace the happy excitement like a well-adjusted kid on their first day of kindergarten. no crying and clinging to mother’s skirt.
there’s still an odd lump of sadness hanging around inside me, like some nagging parasite. i’m hoping it will dissolve and disappear, as my days get busier and busier in preparation for our departure at the end of the month.