sarah ruth

and the “most disturbing facebook ad of the day” award goes to…

ok, i’m about to set up my new blog…i hope you’ll follow me and keep reading/communicating!  if you notice a new follower called “asiamericana”, it’s me!

i will still be updating this blog within the next ten days, but after 6/29 i will be solely writing in my china blog:

http://asiamericana.tumblr.com

please follow me, and if you want me to especially follow your blog, please leave a comment and let me know so that i won’t forget!  facebook will not be easily accessible, so tumblr is going to be a huge means of communication for me in the coming years!

i survived the big goodbyes!  and i didn’t even cry, not one tear.  this past week j and i drove to vermont to spend some time with my side of the family and say our farewells before our big move to china.

the idea of such a long goodbye has plagued me since we received our official invitations to the peace corps.  will i see my grandfathers again?  will my parents take good care of themselves?  will my siblings be happy and continue to build awesome lives?

so far, the peace corps (which i haven’t even entered into yet, let’s just get that straight…) is about control.  lack thereof.  i can’t control my parents welfare, my siblings happiness.  i can’t do that, whether i’m five feet or five thousand miles away.  whether i’m sitting next to my mom on the couch or writing her an email from overseas, she’s going to be who she is just as i’ll be who i am.  and i have to let myself be okay with that.

i’ve been living away from my family for about a decade now, but i’ve never really let myself settle—always i feel as though i’m holding my breath.  and now it’s time to breathe out.

all the goodbyes i’d been dreading, with their tight hugs and plastered smiles, weren’t half as bad as i envisioned.  i thought i’d be a well of tears, a fountain of inconsolable grief.  

but something inside me said “SARAH RUTH, CUT THE CRAP.”  so i did.  i cut it!  i’ll miss my family terribly but i need to embrace the happy excitement like a well-adjusted kid on their first day of kindergarten.  no crying and clinging to mother’s skirt.

there’s still an odd lump of sadness hanging around inside me, like some nagging parasite.  i’m hoping it will dissolve and disappear, as my days get busier and busier in preparation for our departure at the end of the month.  

I accidentally dumped a bottle of my mom’s perfume on myself. I am in olfactory hell. The best/worst part? It’s “Danielle” by Danielle Steel perfume. I reek of cheap romance!

I am on my parents’ back porch, drinking blueberry soda and practicing my mandarin/pinyin with a little app called “mind snacks: mandarin”. Life feels calm. A cardinal is belting its little heart out.

Paul McCartney is singing inside the house while my mother prepares baked beans for tonight’s goodbye party.

I swim back and forth between excited and guilt-ridden. I’m shaving off two years time, two years of life with my family. Will I regret that someday? Is it selfish of me?

this past week i said goodbye to my two favorite collections—my spices and my nail polish.

neither of them would have been good after two years of sitting stagnant.  i’m glad my sisters-in-law will be getting good use out of them, but i’m still a teensy weensy bit sad about losing them.

little people village, by jeff

I’m still in bed. Because I don’t have a job!

tomorrow is my last day of work at the job i’ve hated for four and a half years.

it’s all subdued on the outside, but inside i’m shooting bottle rockets and skipping barefoot.  i’m smashing my face through birthday cake.  i’m ripping posters off walls.  i’m shouting to nothing, and twirling around an empty parking lot.  i’m flopping on a big bed. i’m squeezing my eyes shut tight.  i’m releasing a thousand paper boats into a fast-moving creek.  

i’m closing the door on one of the most monotonous parts of my life. tomorrow, i’m business casual outside.  inside, i’ll be beaming so bright you could get a sunburn.

morerobots:

hazelnut and salty caramel #lakeeffect (Taken with instagram)

someone buy me a pint of this, STAT

(via artvoice)